Looking behind her she spotted the jeans, all crumbled up and thrown in the corner. She had never been one of those nice and neat perfect girls, just the simple kind. Her mother had always raised her to be clean and pick up after herself. She had tried and it had lasted only a few days. April wished she would have or could have been like her mother. No use for wishing now. Her mother was long gone and 6 feet under cold and uncaring dirt that April missed her.
April dressed and looked out the window. There was her neighbor that always seemed to be watching her. It bothered her. She had always thought he was cute but maybe a little creepy. Why couldn't he just come up to her and say something. Oh well she thought to herself. She put on her boots that were under her knee but over her ankle. She had for years made sure this was the one thing that always stayed in her life. April didn't know why but they just made her feel grounded to the world. She got up and grabbed her cd player, intact with her cds. She always loved the way they made her feel when everything in her life was off beat and confusing. She opened the door and it locked tightly behind her. April hated that door. So many times when she was trying to get her mail and most of the times she was in her night shirt, the door would lock leaving her to go to the landlord and ask for his help. Things like that always seemed to happen to April.
Listening to her music, to block out the sounds of passing, speeding cars April recalled when she had first came to this town, this state, and this place.
April was just 20 and wanting a change in her life. She wanted to leave the place everyone else had complained about being trapped in but they had stayed. She wanted to be the one who left who wouldn't settle for some place that would always make her wonder about the outside world. One night she was in her bedroom, in her parents house. She laid on her bed thinking about everything and everyone she knew. It had hit her that yes, she could leave this place and everyone there. She wouldn't cry or be sad, she would be strong and realize that is about more then rotting in your parents house and working stupid high school jobs. The night she packed her bags, got in her car and drove all night till she came to the sign saying "California Welcomes You!" She stopped at the state limits and thought just for a second that what she was doing was wrong and maybe she could give Chicago another try. Thetas when April called her parents waking them up. Her parents yelled at her and said she was going to fuck up her life. That there was no one there to take care of her. April thought to herself that yes failing was something she welcomed and expected. How could she move all that way and expect everything to be perfect. She hadn't but she told her parents that even failing meant that she tried. Her whole life her parents had been wishing that she would try more, do better, and listen. Now she stood outside in the rain, at a phone booth telling them both that she was trying. Would they believe this was trying? Probably not! They weren't the kinda parents who understand too much, they always understand very little and lived even less. Her parents begged for her to come home, back to those same 4 walls she had grown up around. She couldn't ! She could have explained to them and fought more for what she believed in, but there was no point to it. She hung up the phone. No goodbyes, no I love yours, just the dial tone telling her parents that their thoughts meant nothing to April.
Walking down the road April saw some men making weird faces at her. Even in her normal clothes people would make out like she had a clown wig on and painted makeup. What a crazy world and time this was. The air smelled of roadkill and cut grass. All signs of a new summer. One summer dies and then a fall takes its place. The world was odd in her eyes. Living to die and that's the only purpose why we work all kinds of hours and endure all kinds of bullshit in this place. Right now she was on her way to endure the pains of working for a living. Summer time in California was always beautiful but painfully hot. She could feel her jeans pulling at all the wrong spots. Climbing up into her ass and tucking around her granny undies. “I am old, I threw all my thongs away and went to the all night sale at Big Lots.” she almost sung to herself. Three decades on this world and you would think she was 80 something. April always felt old though, from the time she turned 16. It was like she suddenly realized that after 21 there would be no more excitement in aging. Nothing to look forward too or wonder about. Time would pass and with it she would grow to understand almost everything, no more wonder, no more scared feelings of being unsure. If only that were true now.
Bills and more bills were what was piling up in her box of unpaid things. She had let the cable go for 4 months now, but what was the point in paying it off if they had turned it off already one day late. She was running out of food and at times when she would go to the gas station to get her only gluttony product of cigarettes, she would stand around the coffee, loading in mouthfuls of coffee creamers. Funny thing had been that the Irish Cream was so damn good that even when there was food in the cabinets she would still steal a few of them and stuff them in her pockets. It was not that she was poor or anything just that sometimes there would be that cd or book she had been wanting. She would pass them and be reminded daily that she didn't have the extra money for them, till she would be in her bed at 3am and thinking about it. It would eat her up inside knowing that anything would be better then laying there in silence or listening to the same music over and over again. So she would set herself and demand herself to buy the objects as soon as her eyes opened. It was not much that she spent on these things. Life is all about giving up the things you want or choosing to have them. Once a month though April decided she wanted them and didn't think about giving them up.
Walking into the bar was always the same old same old. Same sad peoples faces looking you up and down, judging you. How can drunks give a fuck about what you are doing when they are already hammered at noon. April never tried to judge anyone and just wanted to work, keep her to herself, but no people aren't ever like that. They want to start things and pick fights. April had seen it before and way too many times! Entering into the bar there was her manager who waved to her to come over behind the bar. Standing motionless, April grew nervous so she lite a cigarette. Anytime that a manager ever wanted to talk her was never a good sign. She took a hit of of the cigarette and frowned a little. She had a little idea what all this could be about. Months upon months ago she had told her coworker to fuck off. April had a right to though, he was trying to touch her in the back and she didn't need that. April stood brave and tall knowing that soon it would be over and then she really would be poor. Brandi, her manger came back to her putting an arm around her and telling her what a joy it had been having her working there. April was just about to lose it then and start telling where she could go when Brandi kept going on and mentioned something about a raise. She sighed with relief and started to laugh to herself. Brandi went on to tell her what a good job she was doing and it would be a $0.50 raise. Brandi smiled at her and released her from shoulder grip.